he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
