got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
