Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
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