Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
