I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
