Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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