I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
