I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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