he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
