I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
