guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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