when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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