My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
