I didn't shave. On purpose
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
