Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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