Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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