I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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