Tell her she can't have a vagina
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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