put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.