You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger