i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
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she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?