dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
he thought i was a dude.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Randomize
