i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
