nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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