seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
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