mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
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