Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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