You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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