Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I need a burrito and a hug.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
