So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
