someone threw a dead crab at me
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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