Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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