Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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