I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
