so explain again why im purple
no
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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