Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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