I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
