Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
She's the barista slut.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
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