I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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