i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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