My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
