My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
