How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
