Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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