It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
