If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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