real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
