This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
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