I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
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He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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