4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
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we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
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So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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