i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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