I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
