Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
