I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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