He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
