I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
