I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
ttyl tear gas
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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