Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
