oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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