If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Randomize