So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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