apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
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I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
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I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?