This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
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I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
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I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.