I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Randomize
