I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
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Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
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My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
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