I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
